I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
