You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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