I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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