Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
