if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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