i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
