every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
