Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
