A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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