I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
