I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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