Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
