girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
