don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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