somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
