My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
