I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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