If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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