sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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