You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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