I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
