Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
