So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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