you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
