I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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