I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I AM VODKA MAN
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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