hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
