gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
