Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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