He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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