my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
