Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
