She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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