Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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