Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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