Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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