a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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