erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
