worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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