He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
