Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
