i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
