apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
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