It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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