I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
