can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
