Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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