I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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