Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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