A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
