My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
