We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
