Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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