somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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